I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
