I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Randomize
