Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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