I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
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