did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
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