He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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