He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
