dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
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