she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
I enjoy the company of your penis
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