Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Randomize
