well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
did i just pee glitter
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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