Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
