It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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