I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
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