but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
