Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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