My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
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