dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Randomize
