Paul doesn't remember going to the bar and slept on someone's porch...doesn't know whose porch...maybe near Howard U.
Jerry, you need to find god
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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