I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
