but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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