I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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