can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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