SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
