I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
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