me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
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