I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Randomize
