does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
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