I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
Randomize
