I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Randomize
