Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Randomize
