I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Randomize
