omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
