she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Kenny Powers is just a normal guy with exceptional hair
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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