There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Randomize
