he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize
