I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Randomize
