all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Randomize
