We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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