In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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