so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
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