I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
