So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
