Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
