hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
