I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
