I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
