I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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