Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
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