Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
just really comprehended the fact that I'm getting high at the same place I used to play as a child. the nostalgia and thc is mixing together in one, intense wave. WHO HAVE I BECOME
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
Randomize
