I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
She's the barista slut.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Randomize
